The good with the bad...

There hasn't been much progress on the isotretinoin/accutane front; my chin looks pretty much the same, I think...

I don't really get to notice the improvements until I place the photos side by side. Overall, I do think that my skin looks better. I do breakout occasionally, but the pimple recedes much more quickly than it used to, and it hardly leaves a mark. My main problem these days, is that my lips are so. freaking. DRY. Apart from the usual flakiness, which I used to be able to solve with my trusty lip balm, I now have teeny blisters/ cold sores. Unfortunately, the menthol in Carmex just aggravates the sores, so I switched to good 'ole Vaseline petroleum jelly; I've also been treating the sores with Bactidol, which does relieve the swelling, somewhat.

Anyway, in my obsession with accutane's side effects, I came across this forum, which does confirm that it's perfectly normal to have chapped lips, and cold sores. Thing is, I've already been a month and a half into the treatment, so presumably my body's already adjusted to it and I'd have no reason to have lips this irritated. While scanning the forum, I did come across this tidbit of information that may be helpful, and that is: eating fatty/oily food, along with food that's high in processed sugars can aggravate some of the drug's side effects. While it's true that the colder temperature might have contributed to my current condition, it might also explain why I have cold sores all of a sudden, and why I've been breaking out in dry, patchy spots in parts of my body. I have slipped a bit and started eating chocolates and fried food lately, so I'll try, as best as I can, to eat 'clean' for the next few weeks or so to see if my condition improves. I guess the good thing out of all this is that I end up acquiring healthier eating habits too-- or rather, the discipline to choose healthier stuff. I've also been trying (and hopefully it won't be in vain) to exercise in the morning, rather than at night after work. Unintentional resolutions aside, I'm currently on my last 30 pills of isotretinoin before I go back to the dermatologist. Hopefully I won't need any more, and that the bumps really do get flattened, and stay away for good.

Isotretinoin Update- 73 pills down, plus some product recommendations

So, I'm finally on my second month of taking Acnetrex/ Isotretinoin. I've so far consumed 2 boxes of 30 pills each and I'm now on my third one with 17 more gel caps to go. Also, that's around Php 5,000++ including an additional check-up to see how my skin's doing, and some dermatologist-prescribed formulations.

 Progress seems to have slowed since I last got my period. I had a cystic breakout on my chin, near the left corner of my mouth and while it healed much more quickly than before, it did leave a scar/ bump which is taking time to recede.  There have also been episodes of redness and peeling around my nose and my chin area, although I suppose that was to be expected. On the bright side, I hardly have any blackheads now ^_^  I can also go a whole day without having to blot my face, especially now that the temperature's a bit cooler. On the other hand, I think my skin's gotten thinner and it reddens so easily. It's perfectly peachy when I wash my face, but it does turn into an irritated shade of red once I swipe the medicated toner all over my face. It does subside in around half an hour or so, but it's still quite inconvenient especially when I need to go out. I've decided to stop wearing makeup while under treatment, since the meds seem to have sensitized my skin quite a bit. My usual 30-45 minute routine of putting on my face has been reduced to a quick 5-10, as I only need to put on moisturizer and SPF after the cleansing and toning.

I did find it strange that my dermatologist never mentioned moisturizer, initially, and even made me stop putting it on when I showed her the skincare products I used, but since I'm stubborn, (and I do have that tendency to think I know better, sometimes) I started using it again when I noticed my skin becoming too dry. I honestly didn't see the harm, since people who are on a higher dose slather it on like it's going out of style. Besides, it's supposed to work internally by shrinking my oil glands, so I don't really see how a topical treatment would impede that... and she did prescribe me a moisturizer after the follow-up check up when she noticed my skin peeling; the only difference is that the moisturizer can only be purchased in her clinic, since it's her own formulation. :P Sorry, but no.

I'm enjoying the benefits so far, and maybe a bit too much, since I sometimes skip bathing when I feel it's too cold (sorry, TMI)-- one of the perks of working from home, I guess. But I did notice how emotional I've become lately. I don't know if it is counted as a side effect, like depression and suicidal thoughts, but I normally only become this touchy when I'm PMS-ing (and I'm not). I also get achy joints, now and then, but nothing too extreme. I'm hoping that my dose doesn't get any higher, and that I would finally stop taking them after February, since it's burning a hole in my pocket.  I've watched some videos of people who have also used/ are currently on Accutane/Isotretinoin, and they did say that the acne returns after some time, but the breakouts won't be as bad as it was, pre-Accutane. I don't know if my skin will eventually return to being the oily mess that it was, but I do hope the ugly white bumps won't return.

Anyhoo, for those who might stumble across this post, here are some of the things I use to cope with the dryness:

For Removing Makeup:

-Lush Ultrabland
-VCO (Virgin Coconut Oil)

*use these like you would a cleansing oil, and gently wipe it off with a damp, warm towel after gently working it in to dissolve your makeup

Cleanser:

-Physiogel/Cetaphil (always rinse off with lukewarm water)
-Lush Ultrabland (--love this!)
-Lush 9 to 5 (much, much lighter than Ultrabland and can be used without water, too-- although I'm personally not comfortable having it sit on my face)

*Celeteque Dermoscience Hydration--(something, the name's too long ) or Neutrogena pure mild facial cleanser.--Use these if you want something that lathers a bit. I did stop after a while, because I found it hard to rinse off.

Lip Balm:

Carmex-- I swear, after two weeks on Isotretinoin, the lighter formulations don't work on my lips. I used to just put stuff like Maybelline Baby Lips, and Nivea but they just don't cut it anymore.

Sunscreen:

-VMV Hypoallergenic's Armada line --SPF 30's enough, if you just stay indoors like I do, but if you go out I'd suggest going for the higher ones...

(I love you VMV, but you will be the death of my wallet ;_;)

Exfoliation -- (And I'm honestly iffy about recommending this, but anyway...)

-Cure Aqua Gel-- If the flakes bother you, like it does me, I would recommend this, since it isn't a scrub. My skin also doesn't feel raw after I use this, and I find it actually helps with product absorption after I've rinsed it off. It does come with a high price tag though, but I've had mine for 5 months so far, and I still have a third of the bottle to go. It's definitely worth it.

If you're wondering why there aren't any recommendations for toners or moisturizers, it's because the toner I'm using is the one prescribed by my dermatologist. As for the moisturizer, I'm currently using the one from VMV's ID line; it's oil-free, and not drying, but you might be more comfortable with something richer/more emollient. As for spot treatment for existing pimples, I'm quite sure your dermatologist would also give you something for that.

So, that concludes the lengthy post. Who knew I could babble so much, eh?

Just stuck inside the gloom...

I don't really know where to begin untangling this muddled web of emotions, but I guess it's why I'm writing.

I'm 32. I'm not alone, but I'm lonely. I've never had a boyfriend, nor have I ever had a single romantic relationship that materialized, or wasn't a one-sided affair that had me pining for another person. Most of it may be due to a lack of opportunity, or maybe I'm just not stepping through doors that have been opened for me. The truth is that I don't know, but I do have a clue as to why.

Whenever I think about relationships, I'm torn in two by the wonderful fantasy that all the stories have fed me, and the stark reality that relationships require work. As much as I want to be loved, romanced, and swept off my feet, I'm afraid that the magic will wear out all too soon. I've more or less given up on the idea of "The One"; of the person who's right for me, the one guy who'll make me change my mind about married life and having kids. The one who would make me feel like I fit in. Maybe I'm too selfish, and maybe, whoever he is won't be too open to the fact that I need my secrets to be kept secret and I need to be alone for long stretches of time. That I won't be comfortable with the idea of being expected to cook, clean, and do most of the house chores just because I'm the woman. That I don't have a lot of patience with children, and I won't be a good mom, or that I'm simply not interested in being a mother. Maybe I'd be interested in giving myself to another, but most of the guys I know, especially the ones I live with-- my father and my brother, just discourage me to seek out men. I'm sure that not all of them are like that, and maybe there are a few that I'll get along with, even then, I honestly don't see any relationship with any guy going beyond friendship. Past almost-relationships have also rid me of the notion that I'll ever be anyone's girlfriend and have given me a clearer idea of what I simply couldn't be and the lengths I'm willing to go through just to be in a relationship.

I suppose part of it is also because I feel incomplete; that I'm not confident enough, and that I still need to prove something to myself. It could be living alone, managing my expenses, or just handling myself. I feel like I have a lot of secrets to keep, and the truth is that I'm not sure if anyone out there truly will accept me for who I am. I just don't believe it anymore, and I'm not sold on the idea of love being unconditional as far as romance is involved. It always seems selfish.

Truthfully, I wish I couldn't feel and didn't long for such things, but I do and it just leaves me feeling sort of empty inside. Not entirely hopeless, but sort of deflated, in a resigned sort of way, like sooner or later, I'll just have to carry on and figure out how to get by in my old age when I'm alone and have no family, or grandchildren to support and maybe take care of me. It reminds me of all these unpleasant things, like how I don't have money in the bank, and that I should have started saving for my retirement when I was in my 20s. I've been under my parents' wing for so long, that I wouldn't know what to do with myself if I got sick.

I'll be going to Vietnam sometime this year to teach ESL. I've never stepped foot outside my own country, and I've never lived alone. I don't know if I'm trying to finally be an adult by moving out, or if I'm just running away. I know, deep down, that I need to cut the apron strings and learn to be an adult and to live by myself. It feels right, but it doesn't keep me from worrying about what would happen when I'm finally gone-- especially to my parents. I know it needs to happen, and I need to let go of the delusion that I somehow have control over what happens to them, but it isn't easy. I would probably have more than enough to worry about by the time I'm in another country, that I won't have enough time to worry about them, but I hope I don't ever make the mistake of forgetting them... Maybe I'm too attached. I'm looking at my room and I notice that I have a lot of clutter that needs getting rid of. I wonder if my mother would miss me, and what she'd do with my room when I'm gone. I'm hoping she won't give it to my brother, although it's what's likely to happen, but to be honest, I don't really feel all that fond of my brother.

I wish I knew how to give this problem a name, but I don't. Maybe it's just a quarter life crisis or "just a stirring in my soul?" (according to John Mayer)    I wish I had more direction.  I wish I had more focus, and I wish I knew where I want my life to go. I'm still searching for that one thing that I really want to do; that one thing that I would put my heart and soul into, but it seems to be too far out of reach, I don't even have a shadow of what it looks like. I wish I knew what I was doing.

Of Food and Social Activism

Part of my day was spent running errands and paying bills. It's something I usually do, given that I work from home and have a freelance job. At the moment, I've chosen to extend my vacation, and officially start work on  Monday next week. Anyway, since I'm too lazy to cook, I decided to eat out and be a little adventurous with the menu. I live close to a number of fast food restaurants and quite a few new eateries which I haven't tried yet, and since I'm on this pretense of eating clean this year, I decided to try this "organic" vegetarian restaurant (Tri Mona) that was just a tricycle ride away from home.

There's something about mixing food with social activism that just rubs me the wrong way. I find that eating around posters promoting fair trade and gender equality--while I support both causes-- kind of makes me lose my appetite. How do I explain this in simpler terms? When I go out to eat food, I want to be focused on absorbing the ambiance of the place, enjoying the taste and how the food makes me feel. While I appreciate knowing that the food I'm eating may be helping local farmers, and is presumably not the pesticide-laden bunch of veggies that I find in supermarkets, I don't need it spelled out to me in big red letters. Having that kind of setup makes me feel like I should somehow be enjoying the food more because it's for a good cause. It's similar to the guilt-trip/ scare-mongering that I associate with the "all-natural, chemical-free" movement in beauty and skincare products.

 Anyway, I digress; let's get back to the food: I ordered baked eggplant with brown rice and had plain 'ol water to drink. I didn't enjoy my food, and I wasn't able to finish it. In all honesty, it was quite ordinary. The only thing that I enjoyed was the organic brown rice, which I could've purchased from the supermarket and cooked myself. Perhaps I'd have more luck with the other items on their menu, but I seriously doubt I'd go back. The small restaurant also doubled as a shop selling handcrafted goods and local produce (presumably 'organic') and you wouldn't know that the place was a restaurant if not for the big sign outside. The reception wasn't at all warm, and for the first few minutes, I seriously doubted that anyone was going to attend to me, since none of the staff came to greet me as I entered, and they didn't even seem to care that I was already looking around their shop/ restaurant. When I was finally done with my meal, they didn't even have change for a 500 peso bill and asked me several times if I had smaller bills (I didn't.)  Overall, the experience was unpleasant and I'm not likely to recommend the place to my friends.

I suppose there is a way you can combine healthy dining with social activism without stifling the customers who really just want to try the food, it is still a business after all.

Isotretinoin/Acnetrex 40 pills so far...

So, as I mentioned in my previous post, I'm currently on Accutane (Isotretinoin).

The truth is, I was quite surprised to have been prescribed the medication, since my acne's nowhere near as bad as those who have taken it. I do get the hormonal (cystic, unfortunately) breakouts now and then, two to three weeks before my period starts, but nothing as red, angry, and widespread. I suppose my condition would be labeled 'mild to moderate' acne, and apart from the few scars, and the occasional breakout, things are pretty much under control. I've found a skincare line I'm compatible with (VMV's ID range, btw) and I've practically sworn off foamy/bubbly cleansers and facial scrubs in favor of cleansing balms and lotions despite how oily my skin is.

My skin's far from perfect, but it's also not that bad, I guess. The main reason I went in for a check-up with the dermatologist was to get rid of the clusters of whitish bumps on my chin. They normally won't bother me, if I don't pay it too much attention, but I would be happy to see them go.  Anyway, I was lucky enough to have my mom cover the appointment and some of the other expenses for me, so I agreed to go :)

ew, tho. :p

According to the dermatologist, I have hyperactive oil glands (sebaceous gland hyperplasia), so they're not actually zits, just very clogged pores, because of the hyperactive oil glands. Initially I was expecting something like cauterization to burn off the bumps, which was why I got kind of surprised when my dermatologist suddenly asked me to get blood work done. Turns out, she was going to prescribe accutane. The difference, however, is that since I don't have severe acne, the dosage would be quite low (20 mg/day: 10mg twice a day), and the treatment not that long (around 2-3 months at the most).

Here's my progress so far:

I'm quite happy with it so far, but it's not without its drawbacks. For one, I couldn't remember the last time I was so dependent on lip balms. I need something as emollient as carmex to feel relieved. On my first week, I also caught a nasty flu which just made things worse, because my skin, along with the inside of my nose has been dried out. This led to getting nosebleeds out of nowhere, and since I also had a cold to go along with the coughing, it also meant I had to blow my nose quite frequently, so my nose was quite red and raw for about a week. +__+  Reading alllllllll the side effects also made me a bit paranoid, especially the stuff having to do with liver damage and suicidal tendencies. Fortunately, apart from my skin drying up, I haven't experienced any of the other side effects, like joint pains, or decreased night vision.

Speaking of dry skin, I never experienced having skin this dry before. It's not that I miss my oily skin all that much, but damn... I've been slathering on moisturizers and sunscreens, and the skin around my nose and my chin still manages to flake and peel; it's also been kind of red lately. Anyway, since I don't think I have enough brains to explain the pros and cons in lengthy paragraphs, have a bullet list:

Pros:
+  I use fewer oil films
+  My pores look smaller
+ The bumps seem to be steadily shrinking
+  I went out without makeup for the first time (in forever? :P) and didn't feel so self-conscious
+ It seems I can go for a day without washing my hair.

Cons:
- It's expensive (one box costs Php 1,500+)
- If you're oily-skinned, like me, you will need to replace most of your "for oily-skin" products, to "for dry-skin" products (in other words, it's expensive)
- All the side effects, especially if you're taking a higher dosage
- Redness and peeling
- I think my hair's getting dry, too

Neutral/ Precautions:

• Isotretinoin isn't an OTC drug; apart from a prescription, you'll have to sign a waiver that says your dermatologist has informed you of all the risks involved. You won't be able to purchase more than the amount of pills prescribed by your dermatologist, since the drugstore will keep a copy of your prescription.
• It only seems to be available in Mercury. Watson's doesn't carry it
• Drink a lot of water, maybe even more while you're on the drug.
• Carry a lip balm at all times (seriously)
• Accutane, apparently, can't cure hormonal acne. I had a big, cystic one appear on my chin two days ago, although it does subside much quicker than it normally would.
• I'm actually wary of wearing makeup, now that my skin's peeling because I'm afraid it might get more irritated. So while it's kind of okay that I got to go out bare-faced, I actually would like to wear makeup :P

Anyhoo, that's it for today. Will be posting another update soon-ish about my current regimen. 

Obligatory Introductory Post

This is probably the nth blog that I've started, which I'm not entirely sure I'll continue. Like most of my other projects, this was borne out of me thinking that I would actually have a lot of time to do this between work and chores... Anyway, it's the new year, and it might be a fitting thing to start anew with a new blog. I'd also be deleting the old one, since I haven't the motivation to update it anymore. This blog won't have a niche, nor a special focus. It'll just be me sorting my thoughts out, whether they be about stuff I put on my face/ related to skincare and makeup, or how crappy (or not) I'm feeling.

I used to write fanfics, and I've around 2 or 3 that I've yet to complete-- and maybe someday I will, but right now, I suppose I just feel the need to write.

So yes, while I'm on a roll, I'll be composing my next post on accutane-- something that I thought I'd never resort to.

That's it for now. :)