Of Self-love, lusts, and likes

Sometimes, I wonder why I bother with blogging at all. It's not as if I spew any new thing, or anything remotely helpful to whoever happens to come across this page. (er, NSA?) Then again, I remember that I'm doing this for myself, for whatever purpose it may serve, good, or ill. I tend to begin with disclaimers, but that's how I get myself to keep writing...

In the context of self-love, taking care of yourself is a lot more difficult than being 'selfish' or spoiling yourself, as I've recently discovered (although, honestly, it's nothing new). Taking care of yourself means being good to yourself, not just in the usual context of self-acceptance, and accepting/embracing your flaws, but of being good to your body, physically. That means doing the right things, like giving up, or cutting down on junk food, eating more greens, getting more movement, and living a healthier lifestyle in general. Like I said, loving yourself isn't easy. Taking care, and I mean, genuinely taking care of yourself is hard work.  I think that acknowledging that you are worth all the hard work that you are going to put in might just be the first step in overcoming that wall of negativity that we so often collide with. In a sense, it's selfish, but not the self-indulgent, and often hedonistic kind of selfishness that we often associate with the word. It's a good kind of selfish, and I think it's worth preaching. In my case, I also have to add that I should stop avoiding the dentist, since it's good for my teeth, and it's cheaper in the long run, since you don't have to suddenly blow money on painkillers and antibiotics, apart from the procedure that'll have to be done on your decayed tooth. =P

I don't know why I sound like a self-help book all of a sudden, and it might just be the Yoga videos doing this to me, but all the "listen to your body" talk seems to be sinking in. It's kind of hard for me to remain in the present, since I'm a daydreamer, and my mind's prone to wandering off when I'm uninterested, bored, or obsessed with something. I often fall back into old habits unconsciously.  I'm also prone to putting things into my mouth, or snacking when I have downtime, or when  I'm bored, so I end up overeating, even though I don't eat so much during mealtime. It's one of those things I have to work on, and I guess in time I'll get better at catching myself. It might be too early to say this, since I've just started on the practice, but I think Yoga has helped me build a better relationship with my body because I can appreciate what it can do, and it really does calm me down and refresh me.  I still do cardio, since I enjoy sweating it out, but I've never been a fan of the hardline approach to fitness which kind of bullies/ shames you into exercising, or makes you feel guilty for 'not doing it hard enough' to get results.  I suppose that works for other people, but it's something that has always failed to motivate me. I may want to lose weight, but the truth is that my world won't end if I don't, and what's important for me is that I know I'm healthy and that I feel great.  I just like to enjoy it for what it is and how it makes me feel, and it's never been a lifelong dream to fit into a bikini. I like to eat, too, and I won't delve into obsessive calorie-counting or deprive myself of something that I like. I'll just have to make sure I don't fall into excesses. Truthfully, I used to hate the way I look, but somehow, it's changed and as new-agey as this may sound I honestly feel more connected to my body now.

Long-winded rambling on accutane (as usual) but with some happy thoughts...

*sigh* So, once again, I'm here to see if I've gone far enough with the accutane to be happy with the results... Unfortunately, I have the sinking feeling that the answer is "No".

That, folks, is the December- mid February recap. The last one was taken with a better camera, and is more detailed. While I think it's looking better, I am frustrated with the slow progress, and I'm not sure if it's just my current dose that's not doing the trick for the bigger (and definitely more stubborn) ones. I am honestly getting tired of having to be careful about everything that I didn't use to care about--like triglyceride levels and achy joints. :/ 

Let's run through the Accutane/ Isotretinoin side effects checklist, shall we:

• Dry skin-- yup, also redness
• Itching- yes, especially on parts where I couldn't put lotion on
• Dry nose- uh huh
• Nosebleeds (epistaxis)-- got that during my first week alone, then again I had the cold, so that might have aggravated things
• Cracks in the corners of the mouth- yup, but I handle it with moisturizer 
• Dry mouth- in the mornings, but I usually drink enough water to fix this
•  Inflammation of the whites of the eyes. -- yeah... I think I might've gotten a sty once, but I'm not sure if it's due to the meds
• Joint aches also are common.-- yes, oh gods,I'm starting to get an idea of how my arthritic mom feels at times :(
• Increase in blood cholesterol and triglycerides-- not sure yet, since my doctor didn't advise me to get blood work done. Not sure if it has to do with the fact that I'm on a low dose though, or if my dermatologist's just not being careful with this
• Psychiatric problems such as depression, hallucinations and suicidal behavior have been reported. -- um, no, thankfully.

Rare side effects include:

• Skin infections
• Peeling
• Sun sensitivity
• Hearing impairment and hepatitis.
• Brain swelling (pseudotumor cerebri or intracranial hypertension), which produces nausea, vomiting, headache, and changes in vision.
• Erythema multiforme and severe skin reactions (for example, Stevens-Johnson syndrome, toxic epidermal necrolysis) have been associated with isotretinoin use. These events may be serious and result in life-threatening events or death, hospitalization, or disability. Patients should be monitored closely for severe skin reactions, and isotretinoin discontinued if necessary.

Luckily, I've never experienced any of the rare side-effects, but it is kind of a pain to have to be so vigilant with skincare and diet (am doing better with the skincare than the diet, as expected). I've discarded old foundations, even though they were still half-full, and my arsenal of facial washes and lip balms have also increased. On the one hand, I'm quite happy to be testing out all sorts of stuff meant for dry and sensitive skin (super creamy moisturizers, yo!), but between all the products, the pills, and the costly derma consultations, it's quite a drain on the pocket... I'm about to come in for another check-up once I'm done with the next box of accutane, and I'm hoping that there'd be significant progress enough to lower my dose. Php 1,500 is nothing to sneeze at, especially with my current income, and more often than not I end up thinking of all the things I would have bought with that money--like shoes, for one, or bags, or more lipsticks/ skincare/makeup... which I won't really get to use that often, since I spend most of my time at home ~*le sigh*

I did give in to temptation though, and bought myself this purrdy little thing, while I was out shopping for groceries with my mom:

The name's a mouthful to say, but anyhoo, it's the "Revlon Just Bitten Kissable Balm Stain" in Crush. It's this lovely purple-y, wine-y stain that's mom-approved, as opposed to the reds I normally wear. It gets a little goth when worn in 2 layers (at least on my skin); bit of a throwback to high-school days when I was so into "The Craft."

The pic's been edited in an attempt to capture the color, and it's the closest I can get :P It's a little more on the grape/ violet side, and I probably need a better camera, and more time to fiddle with the lighting, but I'm not a serious beauty blogger, so I won't.  This is my second one from Revlon, the other one's called 'Lovesick'  which is this bright, hot-pink shade that can be kind of overpowering, so I top it off with a light-pink gloss and keep my face relatively bare. It's my usual MO since I'm a dunce with eyeshadows, and can only pull off neutral looks.

Another plus (I think??) to this dry spell is that I also get to be more adventurous with hair care. The hairdresser kind of lamented the state of my hair, since it seems so dry now and she was surprised I wasn't using any treatment. I don't know if I did mention that I could go for a day or two (if the temperature's cooler) without bathing, since my hair didn't turn into the greasy mop that it usually does if I neglect to wash it. Over time though, the tips have begun looking like they've been fried, and my hair does feel kind of coarse when I run my fingers through it. I've tried this 'damage control' shampoo thing from Dove, which is okay, but isn't really enough. Now that my hair's long enough, and I've been wanting to try hair masks, I decided to get myself this tub of Pantene hair mask thingy... it's from Japan (supposedly) and limited edition (again, supposedly-- they apparently launched this thing back in 2010) the name's quite a mouthful, but anyhoo... I'm loving it :) I couldn't remember my hair being this soft, and I like running my fingers through it. A lot of other bloggers say that they love the scent, but it's just 'meh' for me. My hair isn't frizzy, nor does it feel heavy, and it's tame, although lacking a bit in volume.

So... the moral of the story is: Lipstick makes me happy. Well, no, there is no moral. I let myself get away with cheap thrills when I'm frustrated, or have been cooped-up in the house for too long. The state of my friendships is a completely different story, but I'm doing like Elsa and letting it go. I think we've kind of 'outgrown' each other, and we're all in this different stage of our lives. Perhaps we've already learned what we're meant to from the relationship, and perhaps, I'm just in this stage of transition. I preferring to keep my hopes up and cling on to whatever optimism I have left, even though I am getting impatient with the pace of things. I am hoping that my next journey would have me gain more valuable and lasting friendships through more meaningful experiences. Until then, I suppose going crazy every now and then would be my way of dealing with the tedium while I wait. 

Just stuck inside the gloom...

I don't really know where to begin untangling this muddled web of emotions, but I guess it's why I'm writing.

I'm 32. I'm not alone, but I'm lonely. I've never had a boyfriend, nor have I ever had a single romantic relationship that materialized, or wasn't a one-sided affair that had me pining for another person. Most of it may be due to a lack of opportunity, or maybe I'm just not stepping through doors that have been opened for me. The truth is that I don't know, but I do have a clue as to why.

Whenever I think about relationships, I'm torn in two by the wonderful fantasy that all the stories have fed me, and the stark reality that relationships require work. As much as I want to be loved, romanced, and swept off my feet, I'm afraid that the magic will wear out all too soon. I've more or less given up on the idea of "The One"; of the person who's right for me, the one guy who'll make me change my mind about married life and having kids. The one who would make me feel like I fit in. Maybe I'm too selfish, and maybe, whoever he is won't be too open to the fact that I need my secrets to be kept secret and I need to be alone for long stretches of time. That I won't be comfortable with the idea of being expected to cook, clean, and do most of the house chores just because I'm the woman. That I don't have a lot of patience with children, and I won't be a good mom, or that I'm simply not interested in being a mother. Maybe I'd be interested in giving myself to another, but most of the guys I know, especially the ones I live with-- my father and my brother, just discourage me to seek out men. I'm sure that not all of them are like that, and maybe there are a few that I'll get along with, even then, I honestly don't see any relationship with any guy going beyond friendship. Past almost-relationships have also rid me of the notion that I'll ever be anyone's girlfriend and have given me a clearer idea of what I simply couldn't be and the lengths I'm willing to go through just to be in a relationship.

I suppose part of it is also because I feel incomplete; that I'm not confident enough, and that I still need to prove something to myself. It could be living alone, managing my expenses, or just handling myself. I feel like I have a lot of secrets to keep, and the truth is that I'm not sure if anyone out there truly will accept me for who I am. I just don't believe it anymore, and I'm not sold on the idea of love being unconditional as far as romance is involved. It always seems selfish.

Truthfully, I wish I couldn't feel and didn't long for such things, but I do and it just leaves me feeling sort of empty inside. Not entirely hopeless, but sort of deflated, in a resigned sort of way, like sooner or later, I'll just have to carry on and figure out how to get by in my old age when I'm alone and have no family, or grandchildren to support and maybe take care of me. It reminds me of all these unpleasant things, like how I don't have money in the bank, and that I should have started saving for my retirement when I was in my 20s. I've been under my parents' wing for so long, that I wouldn't know what to do with myself if I got sick.

I'll be going to Vietnam sometime this year to teach ESL. I've never stepped foot outside my own country, and I've never lived alone. I don't know if I'm trying to finally be an adult by moving out, or if I'm just running away. I know, deep down, that I need to cut the apron strings and learn to be an adult and to live by myself. It feels right, but it doesn't keep me from worrying about what would happen when I'm finally gone-- especially to my parents. I know it needs to happen, and I need to let go of the delusion that I somehow have control over what happens to them, but it isn't easy. I would probably have more than enough to worry about by the time I'm in another country, that I won't have enough time to worry about them, but I hope I don't ever make the mistake of forgetting them... Maybe I'm too attached. I'm looking at my room and I notice that I have a lot of clutter that needs getting rid of. I wonder if my mother would miss me, and what she'd do with my room when I'm gone. I'm hoping she won't give it to my brother, although it's what's likely to happen, but to be honest, I don't really feel all that fond of my brother.

I wish I knew how to give this problem a name, but I don't. Maybe it's just a quarter life crisis or "just a stirring in my soul?" (according to John Mayer)    I wish I had more direction.  I wish I had more focus, and I wish I knew where I want my life to go. I'm still searching for that one thing that I really want to do; that one thing that I would put my heart and soul into, but it seems to be too far out of reach, I don't even have a shadow of what it looks like. I wish I knew what I was doing.