Facing some problems (on my face)

Although I don't think I've been eating particularly 'clean' or 'healthy' lately, it seems that my body's reacted a bit negatively to the instant pancit canton I ate for lunch. It might mean, of course, that I'm finally starting to be more mindful of my body and I'm only noticing now that my body hasn't taken well to the grease from that particular food. I mean, I could still eat fried food and it doesn't upset my tummy all that much... Or-- and I'm only realizing this now-- I could be reacting because it's mostly processed non-food and I've been eating home-cooked meals for the longest time. I could still feel it in my system, and there's this yucky aftertaste that lingers in my mouth when I burp.  In a way, I suppose it's a good thing because this means I'm on my way to mindful eating (although I'd need a lot-- A LOT-- of help staying away from sweets.) I honestly couldn't say that transitioning into a healthier lifestyle was never part of my plans; there is the intention to eat healthier, to exercise regularly, but my efforts have been halfhearted at the most, and I've never been able to follow through most of the promises I've made myself because I lack the drive and the focus.  In some ways it's because I feel confined since I still live with my parents, and I have to share the space with other people. As much as I'd like my exercise to have more variety, I couldn't really explore exercise videos that use more space because my brother works in the living room during the daytime and people watch TV there at night. I obviously couldn't afford gym memberships, so that's out of the question, and I consider exercise to be my alone time, so having a bunch of other people around me, even though they're minding their own business, just won't cut it.  The same goes for my food choices; perhaps if I had a bigger salary, I'd be able to afford healthier food, but since it isn't, my food choices are limited to what's available and what my mom cooks; Other than that, it would be awkward if I started buying my own food and stored it in the fridge, where everything's supposed to be communal. And as much as I want to learn how to cook (which isn't much, really) I can't just go ahead and take whatever's in the freezer, or in the vegetable crisper to whip up my own meal, since the grocery's already been set for the family and it's supposed to stretch for two weeks. If I used something there that my mom intends to use for something else, it'd be troublesome to run to the supermarket for some small thing, not to mention it'd ruin her mood. Anyway, that's the reality that I'll have to deal with for now. In my head, I'd be living healthier once I move out and live by myself, but that remains to be seen. I don't really know what I'll be able to afford and what choices I'd make once I have the liberty to do as I please, it's nice to think about it though.

Well, what else? In some way this post is related to Isotretinoin/ Accutane, since I probably wouldn't have gotten into Yoga if I hadn't experienced joint stiffness and back pains because of the drug. I've also tried avoiding greasy and high-cholesterol food as much as I can, because of the risk that it'd affect my tricylceride levels. The progress has been upsettingly slow and the flat bumps (oxymoron right there...) are still as obvious as they were three months ago after I'd started the treatment. Apart from my chin, I LOVE the rest of my skin, but something makes me wonder if it would've been better just to have them cauterized. The dermatologist tells me she'll be lowering my dose next month, and that I'll likely take it just once a day, or once every three days. As much as I look forward to that, I still feel greatly disappointed by the results. Here are some pics for comparison:

 

This was taken last month (Feb. 26)

And here's one taken a week ago

Ugh. There isn't a great big deal of improvement, and the big ones are still there annoying the hell out of me. Truth be told, they seem to bother me more now than they did before I began the treatment. *sigh* Anyway, I expect that I'll be keeping with this for a few more months before I could officially stop. The dermatologist says that my skin will revert back to being oily after at least 6 months post-Isotretinoin, but also that I won't be as oily as I used to be. Well, I guess I'll just have to wait and see.

Of Self-love, lusts, and likes

Sometimes, I wonder why I bother with blogging at all. It's not as if I spew any new thing, or anything remotely helpful to whoever happens to come across this page. (er, NSA?) Then again, I remember that I'm doing this for myself, for whatever purpose it may serve, good, or ill. I tend to begin with disclaimers, but that's how I get myself to keep writing...

In the context of self-love, taking care of yourself is a lot more difficult than being 'selfish' or spoiling yourself, as I've recently discovered (although, honestly, it's nothing new). Taking care of yourself means being good to yourself, not just in the usual context of self-acceptance, and accepting/embracing your flaws, but of being good to your body, physically. That means doing the right things, like giving up, or cutting down on junk food, eating more greens, getting more movement, and living a healthier lifestyle in general. Like I said, loving yourself isn't easy. Taking care, and I mean, genuinely taking care of yourself is hard work.  I think that acknowledging that you are worth all the hard work that you are going to put in might just be the first step in overcoming that wall of negativity that we so often collide with. In a sense, it's selfish, but not the self-indulgent, and often hedonistic kind of selfishness that we often associate with the word. It's a good kind of selfish, and I think it's worth preaching. In my case, I also have to add that I should stop avoiding the dentist, since it's good for my teeth, and it's cheaper in the long run, since you don't have to suddenly blow money on painkillers and antibiotics, apart from the procedure that'll have to be done on your decayed tooth. =P

I don't know why I sound like a self-help book all of a sudden, and it might just be the Yoga videos doing this to me, but all the "listen to your body" talk seems to be sinking in. It's kind of hard for me to remain in the present, since I'm a daydreamer, and my mind's prone to wandering off when I'm uninterested, bored, or obsessed with something. I often fall back into old habits unconsciously.  I'm also prone to putting things into my mouth, or snacking when I have downtime, or when  I'm bored, so I end up overeating, even though I don't eat so much during mealtime. It's one of those things I have to work on, and I guess in time I'll get better at catching myself. It might be too early to say this, since I've just started on the practice, but I think Yoga has helped me build a better relationship with my body because I can appreciate what it can do, and it really does calm me down and refresh me.  I still do cardio, since I enjoy sweating it out, but I've never been a fan of the hardline approach to fitness which kind of bullies/ shames you into exercising, or makes you feel guilty for 'not doing it hard enough' to get results.  I suppose that works for other people, but it's something that has always failed to motivate me. I may want to lose weight, but the truth is that my world won't end if I don't, and what's important for me is that I know I'm healthy and that I feel great.  I just like to enjoy it for what it is and how it makes me feel, and it's never been a lifelong dream to fit into a bikini. I like to eat, too, and I won't delve into obsessive calorie-counting or deprive myself of something that I like. I'll just have to make sure I don't fall into excesses. Truthfully, I used to hate the way I look, but somehow, it's changed and as new-agey as this may sound I honestly feel more connected to my body now.