Facing some problems (on my face)

Although I don't think I've been eating particularly 'clean' or 'healthy' lately, it seems that my body's reacted a bit negatively to the instant pancit canton I ate for lunch. It might mean, of course, that I'm finally starting to be more mindful of my body and I'm only noticing now that my body hasn't taken well to the grease from that particular food. I mean, I could still eat fried food and it doesn't upset my tummy all that much... Or-- and I'm only realizing this now-- I could be reacting because it's mostly processed non-food and I've been eating home-cooked meals for the longest time. I could still feel it in my system, and there's this yucky aftertaste that lingers in my mouth when I burp.  In a way, I suppose it's a good thing because this means I'm on my way to mindful eating (although I'd need a lot-- A LOT-- of help staying away from sweets.) I honestly couldn't say that transitioning into a healthier lifestyle was never part of my plans; there is the intention to eat healthier, to exercise regularly, but my efforts have been halfhearted at the most, and I've never been able to follow through most of the promises I've made myself because I lack the drive and the focus.  In some ways it's because I feel confined since I still live with my parents, and I have to share the space with other people. As much as I'd like my exercise to have more variety, I couldn't really explore exercise videos that use more space because my brother works in the living room during the daytime and people watch TV there at night. I obviously couldn't afford gym memberships, so that's out of the question, and I consider exercise to be my alone time, so having a bunch of other people around me, even though they're minding their own business, just won't cut it.  The same goes for my food choices; perhaps if I had a bigger salary, I'd be able to afford healthier food, but since it isn't, my food choices are limited to what's available and what my mom cooks; Other than that, it would be awkward if I started buying my own food and stored it in the fridge, where everything's supposed to be communal. And as much as I want to learn how to cook (which isn't much, really) I can't just go ahead and take whatever's in the freezer, or in the vegetable crisper to whip up my own meal, since the grocery's already been set for the family and it's supposed to stretch for two weeks. If I used something there that my mom intends to use for something else, it'd be troublesome to run to the supermarket for some small thing, not to mention it'd ruin her mood. Anyway, that's the reality that I'll have to deal with for now. In my head, I'd be living healthier once I move out and live by myself, but that remains to be seen. I don't really know what I'll be able to afford and what choices I'd make once I have the liberty to do as I please, it's nice to think about it though.

Well, what else? In some way this post is related to Isotretinoin/ Accutane, since I probably wouldn't have gotten into Yoga if I hadn't experienced joint stiffness and back pains because of the drug. I've also tried avoiding greasy and high-cholesterol food as much as I can, because of the risk that it'd affect my tricylceride levels. The progress has been upsettingly slow and the flat bumps (oxymoron right there...) are still as obvious as they were three months ago after I'd started the treatment. Apart from my chin, I LOVE the rest of my skin, but something makes me wonder if it would've been better just to have them cauterized. The dermatologist tells me she'll be lowering my dose next month, and that I'll likely take it just once a day, or once every three days. As much as I look forward to that, I still feel greatly disappointed by the results. Here are some pics for comparison:

 

This was taken last month (Feb. 26)

And here's one taken a week ago

Ugh. There isn't a great big deal of improvement, and the big ones are still there annoying the hell out of me. Truth be told, they seem to bother me more now than they did before I began the treatment. *sigh* Anyway, I expect that I'll be keeping with this for a few more months before I could officially stop. The dermatologist says that my skin will revert back to being oily after at least 6 months post-Isotretinoin, but also that I won't be as oily as I used to be. Well, I guess I'll just have to wait and see.

Of Self-love, lusts, and likes

Sometimes, I wonder why I bother with blogging at all. It's not as if I spew any new thing, or anything remotely helpful to whoever happens to come across this page. (er, NSA?) Then again, I remember that I'm doing this for myself, for whatever purpose it may serve, good, or ill. I tend to begin with disclaimers, but that's how I get myself to keep writing...

In the context of self-love, taking care of yourself is a lot more difficult than being 'selfish' or spoiling yourself, as I've recently discovered (although, honestly, it's nothing new). Taking care of yourself means being good to yourself, not just in the usual context of self-acceptance, and accepting/embracing your flaws, but of being good to your body, physically. That means doing the right things, like giving up, or cutting down on junk food, eating more greens, getting more movement, and living a healthier lifestyle in general. Like I said, loving yourself isn't easy. Taking care, and I mean, genuinely taking care of yourself is hard work.  I think that acknowledging that you are worth all the hard work that you are going to put in might just be the first step in overcoming that wall of negativity that we so often collide with. In a sense, it's selfish, but not the self-indulgent, and often hedonistic kind of selfishness that we often associate with the word. It's a good kind of selfish, and I think it's worth preaching. In my case, I also have to add that I should stop avoiding the dentist, since it's good for my teeth, and it's cheaper in the long run, since you don't have to suddenly blow money on painkillers and antibiotics, apart from the procedure that'll have to be done on your decayed tooth. =P

I don't know why I sound like a self-help book all of a sudden, and it might just be the Yoga videos doing this to me, but all the "listen to your body" talk seems to be sinking in. It's kind of hard for me to remain in the present, since I'm a daydreamer, and my mind's prone to wandering off when I'm uninterested, bored, or obsessed with something. I often fall back into old habits unconsciously.  I'm also prone to putting things into my mouth, or snacking when I have downtime, or when  I'm bored, so I end up overeating, even though I don't eat so much during mealtime. It's one of those things I have to work on, and I guess in time I'll get better at catching myself. It might be too early to say this, since I've just started on the practice, but I think Yoga has helped me build a better relationship with my body because I can appreciate what it can do, and it really does calm me down and refresh me.  I still do cardio, since I enjoy sweating it out, but I've never been a fan of the hardline approach to fitness which kind of bullies/ shames you into exercising, or makes you feel guilty for 'not doing it hard enough' to get results.  I suppose that works for other people, but it's something that has always failed to motivate me. I may want to lose weight, but the truth is that my world won't end if I don't, and what's important for me is that I know I'm healthy and that I feel great.  I just like to enjoy it for what it is and how it makes me feel, and it's never been a lifelong dream to fit into a bikini. I like to eat, too, and I won't delve into obsessive calorie-counting or deprive myself of something that I like. I'll just have to make sure I don't fall into excesses. Truthfully, I used to hate the way I look, but somehow, it's changed and as new-agey as this may sound I honestly feel more connected to my body now.

Long-winded rambling on accutane (as usual) but with some happy thoughts...

*sigh* So, once again, I'm here to see if I've gone far enough with the accutane to be happy with the results... Unfortunately, I have the sinking feeling that the answer is "No".

That, folks, is the December- mid February recap. The last one was taken with a better camera, and is more detailed. While I think it's looking better, I am frustrated with the slow progress, and I'm not sure if it's just my current dose that's not doing the trick for the bigger (and definitely more stubborn) ones. I am honestly getting tired of having to be careful about everything that I didn't use to care about--like triglyceride levels and achy joints. :/ 

Let's run through the Accutane/ Isotretinoin side effects checklist, shall we:

• Dry skin-- yup, also redness
• Itching- yes, especially on parts where I couldn't put lotion on
• Dry nose- uh huh
• Nosebleeds (epistaxis)-- got that during my first week alone, then again I had the cold, so that might have aggravated things
• Cracks in the corners of the mouth- yup, but I handle it with moisturizer 
• Dry mouth- in the mornings, but I usually drink enough water to fix this
•  Inflammation of the whites of the eyes. -- yeah... I think I might've gotten a sty once, but I'm not sure if it's due to the meds
• Joint aches also are common.-- yes, oh gods,I'm starting to get an idea of how my arthritic mom feels at times :(
• Increase in blood cholesterol and triglycerides-- not sure yet, since my doctor didn't advise me to get blood work done. Not sure if it has to do with the fact that I'm on a low dose though, or if my dermatologist's just not being careful with this
• Psychiatric problems such as depression, hallucinations and suicidal behavior have been reported. -- um, no, thankfully.

Rare side effects include:

• Skin infections
• Peeling
• Sun sensitivity
• Hearing impairment and hepatitis.
• Brain swelling (pseudotumor cerebri or intracranial hypertension), which produces nausea, vomiting, headache, and changes in vision.
• Erythema multiforme and severe skin reactions (for example, Stevens-Johnson syndrome, toxic epidermal necrolysis) have been associated with isotretinoin use. These events may be serious and result in life-threatening events or death, hospitalization, or disability. Patients should be monitored closely for severe skin reactions, and isotretinoin discontinued if necessary.

Luckily, I've never experienced any of the rare side-effects, but it is kind of a pain to have to be so vigilant with skincare and diet (am doing better with the skincare than the diet, as expected). I've discarded old foundations, even though they were still half-full, and my arsenal of facial washes and lip balms have also increased. On the one hand, I'm quite happy to be testing out all sorts of stuff meant for dry and sensitive skin (super creamy moisturizers, yo!), but between all the products, the pills, and the costly derma consultations, it's quite a drain on the pocket... I'm about to come in for another check-up once I'm done with the next box of accutane, and I'm hoping that there'd be significant progress enough to lower my dose. Php 1,500 is nothing to sneeze at, especially with my current income, and more often than not I end up thinking of all the things I would have bought with that money--like shoes, for one, or bags, or more lipsticks/ skincare/makeup... which I won't really get to use that often, since I spend most of my time at home ~*le sigh*

I did give in to temptation though, and bought myself this purrdy little thing, while I was out shopping for groceries with my mom:

The name's a mouthful to say, but anyhoo, it's the "Revlon Just Bitten Kissable Balm Stain" in Crush. It's this lovely purple-y, wine-y stain that's mom-approved, as opposed to the reds I normally wear. It gets a little goth when worn in 2 layers (at least on my skin); bit of a throwback to high-school days when I was so into "The Craft."

The pic's been edited in an attempt to capture the color, and it's the closest I can get :P It's a little more on the grape/ violet side, and I probably need a better camera, and more time to fiddle with the lighting, but I'm not a serious beauty blogger, so I won't.  This is my second one from Revlon, the other one's called 'Lovesick'  which is this bright, hot-pink shade that can be kind of overpowering, so I top it off with a light-pink gloss and keep my face relatively bare. It's my usual MO since I'm a dunce with eyeshadows, and can only pull off neutral looks.

Another plus (I think??) to this dry spell is that I also get to be more adventurous with hair care. The hairdresser kind of lamented the state of my hair, since it seems so dry now and she was surprised I wasn't using any treatment. I don't know if I did mention that I could go for a day or two (if the temperature's cooler) without bathing, since my hair didn't turn into the greasy mop that it usually does if I neglect to wash it. Over time though, the tips have begun looking like they've been fried, and my hair does feel kind of coarse when I run my fingers through it. I've tried this 'damage control' shampoo thing from Dove, which is okay, but isn't really enough. Now that my hair's long enough, and I've been wanting to try hair masks, I decided to get myself this tub of Pantene hair mask thingy... it's from Japan (supposedly) and limited edition (again, supposedly-- they apparently launched this thing back in 2010) the name's quite a mouthful, but anyhoo... I'm loving it :) I couldn't remember my hair being this soft, and I like running my fingers through it. A lot of other bloggers say that they love the scent, but it's just 'meh' for me. My hair isn't frizzy, nor does it feel heavy, and it's tame, although lacking a bit in volume.

So... the moral of the story is: Lipstick makes me happy. Well, no, there is no moral. I let myself get away with cheap thrills when I'm frustrated, or have been cooped-up in the house for too long. The state of my friendships is a completely different story, but I'm doing like Elsa and letting it go. I think we've kind of 'outgrown' each other, and we're all in this different stage of our lives. Perhaps we've already learned what we're meant to from the relationship, and perhaps, I'm just in this stage of transition. I preferring to keep my hopes up and cling on to whatever optimism I have left, even though I am getting impatient with the pace of things. I am hoping that my next journey would have me gain more valuable and lasting friendships through more meaningful experiences. Until then, I suppose going crazy every now and then would be my way of dealing with the tedium while I wait. 

oral fixation

I'm down to my last two weeks' dose of Isotretinoin before going back for a follow-up check up. At the moment, I'm, uh, bleeding... Between my last update and now, some things have gotten worse and some things have gotten slightly better.

Anyway, it turns out that my dry, scaly, tender lips may have been a combination of PMS and the side effects of Isotretinoin. It stung and was really bothersome; and for about a week or so, I had to constantly keep applying petroleum jelly, avoiding anything salty (or sometimes eating altogether) and avoiding anything mentholated. It wasn't until I started on my period that things started getting better; well, it might have been that, or it might be because whatever it was that I had had run its course. The temperature's also back to normal ( read: in the 30+ degrees range), and it might have helped with the chapping. Either way, things are almost back to normal regarding my lips, and I only need to deal with minimal peeling these days. Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how you see it) I've been a bit impatient with having to squeeze petroleum jelly out of a tube each time I needed a fix, and it led me to a few lip balm purchases.

 and this doesn't include the tinted ones I already have. I do remember mentioning that Maybelline's Baby Lips didn't cut it anymore, but it seems I may have been a bit hasty in my judgment. I probably won't use it when my lips are severely chapped, but I needed something with SPF at the time, and Vaseline doesn't have it; Carmex does, but the mint irritates my lips, so it's a no-go. Blistex had a mild bit of menthol in it, and kind of drags when I apply it, so I wasn't able to use it until recently.  I remembered Baby Lips having SPF 20, so I went and got myself one, and was pleased that it didn't irritate my lips and applied quite smoothly. It also leaves a sort of sheen, which is nice.  As for my chin... *sigh* well, as long as I keep comparing pictures, I do see some progress, but not enough to wow me. See below:

From this, which was around two weeks ago...

to this (taken with a better camera and in harsher lighting.) I do like how plump and moisturized my lips look here, though :) Also, no cystic breakouts, despite my raging(?) hormones. I could get used to this, but I would really like to be off the meds. I wonder how long I'll have to be taking it until the bigger bumps disappear? I'm paranoid enough about liver damage, as it is...

The good with the bad...

There hasn't been much progress on the isotretinoin/accutane front; my chin looks pretty much the same, I think...

I don't really get to notice the improvements until I place the photos side by side. Overall, I do think that my skin looks better. I do breakout occasionally, but the pimple recedes much more quickly than it used to, and it hardly leaves a mark. My main problem these days, is that my lips are so. freaking. DRY. Apart from the usual flakiness, which I used to be able to solve with my trusty lip balm, I now have teeny blisters/ cold sores. Unfortunately, the menthol in Carmex just aggravates the sores, so I switched to good 'ole Vaseline petroleum jelly; I've also been treating the sores with Bactidol, which does relieve the swelling, somewhat.

Anyway, in my obsession with accutane's side effects, I came across this forum, which does confirm that it's perfectly normal to have chapped lips, and cold sores. Thing is, I've already been a month and a half into the treatment, so presumably my body's already adjusted to it and I'd have no reason to have lips this irritated. While scanning the forum, I did come across this tidbit of information that may be helpful, and that is: eating fatty/oily food, along with food that's high in processed sugars can aggravate some of the drug's side effects. While it's true that the colder temperature might have contributed to my current condition, it might also explain why I have cold sores all of a sudden, and why I've been breaking out in dry, patchy spots in parts of my body. I have slipped a bit and started eating chocolates and fried food lately, so I'll try, as best as I can, to eat 'clean' for the next few weeks or so to see if my condition improves. I guess the good thing out of all this is that I end up acquiring healthier eating habits too-- or rather, the discipline to choose healthier stuff. I've also been trying (and hopefully it won't be in vain) to exercise in the morning, rather than at night after work. Unintentional resolutions aside, I'm currently on my last 30 pills of isotretinoin before I go back to the dermatologist. Hopefully I won't need any more, and that the bumps really do get flattened, and stay away for good.